What’s past is prologue

I don’t blame him for leaving/I blame him for not staying.
He says that he was a coward…wish I’d thought of that. I don’t
hate him, I’m not really angry, I’m more disappointed. I suppose
that I understand that this not about me. No matter how much it
hurts to watch the life I’ve lived and worked for these past 14yrs,
just dissolve. I want to be the angry, hurt, soon-to-be ex-wife,
but I can’t. I want to hate him, to hurt him, to give him
unspeakable hell but I can’t because I love him. He is the father
of my children and he is my friend. I hate what he’s done to me and
us. I expected more from the man I loved, who I thought loved me.
But that’s the problem with expectations. They’re often lofty and
hard to fulfill. I was so misguided and at times just plain wrong.
I must now move on, something he seems to be able to do without any
hesitation or reservation. Probably because he was gone long before
he left. I think I even told him this was his fault, he believes it
is his fault, but it’s not. Not really. WE were married to each
other, so WE are at fault, both of us. I said all I ever expected
was love and understanding, but what I really wanted was a band aid
for all my insecurities and short comings. A fix for my broken
childhood. I wanted him to make me happy. But that was never his
job; to make me happy. All he was supposed to do WAS love me and
giving me understanding, but he couldn’t. Not because he didn’t
want to, but because he did know how. We both needed to learn how
to love and understand ourselves, before we could ask it of anyone
else. That’s where we fell apart. Two people who did not know
themselves, got together and decided to live in a fantasy world,
where only their love, their wants and their desire exists. It was
us against the world, if you weren’t for us you were against us. We
would be together no matter what, but mostly because so many
believed we wouldn’t. We did love each other, and I think we were
both in love with that idea. And in the middle of doing our
prospective jobs in this world we created, we lost ourselves. We
lost the people we were meant to be, outside of the “us”, their was
no us. We had begun to define ourselves by our designations within
the marriage. He was the husband, and I was the wife, I was the
mother he was the father and that was that. We were never a couple.
We were never two people hell bent on getting to know each other,
we were never together and at the same time interested in helping
the other person be the best “me”. We were just in love and that’s
all it took to make it work… just love and the sheer presence of
will to be on the side of right. There were no individuals. We had
assimilated ourselves into this functioning marriage which from the
outside looking in was a thing of perfection to be admired. So- I’m
not mad at him or too angry about him leaving…he had to go. I am
just disappointed that this is were we are now. So much love and
potential, only to end here. I suppose I am in mourning and will be
for some time. I wish he would have stayed and fought it out. I
wish “we” would have won, the “us” from 14yrs ago…that scrub boy
and his pretty girl. But I’ve never really been a romance novel
kinda girl, so in my heart of heart I guess I’ve always known,
that’s not how our story would go. Who knows maybe…”we” will find
each other in a whole place, where we don’t need to be and we just
are…and it will be okay.

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~ by Xenolinguist on January 23, 2011.

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