Hello Again by: Consuela Axel

•October 14, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Kalalou_Driftwood_Mirror[1]

Fancy meeting you here

in the middle of my heartbreak

amongst my insecurities

next to my need to be loved

and appreciated

So close to my desire to be

made to feel beautiful and worth it

I can taste your lips already

I’d like to say I’m glad to see you,

but the truth is-

I’m surprised

It was you that introduced me

to this place, gave me the grand tour

left me here without any identification

and no way to call home

So imagine my shock

Seeing you here

not dropping anyone off this time?

Are you here to pick up the pieces?

Pointing out the obvious…

•January 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

It’s like the universe had to point a few things out to me.

1. You should take along hard look at the people that say they’re your friend.

2. When a person says they love you and they want the best for you, they mean it.

*Except, when it is in direct conflict with what they feel is best for them*(yea, I said it)

3. Your idea of love and sacrifice, is not theirs.

*NO Expections*

4.*Lauryn quote* “Even after all my logic and my theory, I add a muthafucka so all you ignorant niggas hear me”
-TRANSLATION: nobody wants to listen until I start cussing muthas out!

All I want is to be happy. I know that sounds simple, but as most of you know, it’s not and no amount of wishing and hoping will make it so. I’m doing my best to adhere to the changes in my life. Excepting those in my life as family and true friends, loving them. Forgiving all percieved grievences and moving the fuck on. You hurt me..Forgiven. You lied to/ on me…Forgiven. You cheated on me…Forgiven. You hate me..Forgiven. Too immature to understand love and sacrific…Forgiven; no ones’ perfect. WELL NOT SO MUCH! I am beside myself with the giving and hoping to recieve- DONE! If you think you have something I want other than what I asked for…check yourself. If I said I want to be friends, that’s what I want. Just because you don’t recognize my brand of balls to the wall love and honest with friends and it seems like I’m trying to get close to you…WATCH OUT I AM!!!! go figure! a person that is your friend trying to share and be shared with…what novel idea… I must patten it. I’m sure it’s original. I mean I must be the first person to ever try this or maybe I’m the first person to ever try it with you? Maybe that’s it…look around…do see anyone else being unconditional with you, not judging, open and caring..? Go ahead, i’ll wait.

No? I’m completely surprised!  You seem like such a sincere and welcoming person… hmph, go figure?

blahblahblahblog

•January 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The problem with being a writer and trying to blog is…details. I feel like if i just start typing and don’t give back story, i’m robbing the reader. But i’ve been doing some research and i’ve discovered that blog readers don’t need back story or engaging conversational dialog; they just want the point. Instant gratifacation.

Well i’m not sure i will be any good at that. My friends suggest that I blog and i’ve tried. This being the third blog site i’ve set up and maybe my 6th or 7th actual posted blog. I suppose if I was more into ME, I would be better at it or if I believed that someone was actually reading this and gaining any type of pleasure or insight from, i would do better.

I read a blog a few months ago, in which a 20 something girl dispensed her age old wisdom on cheating. Need I say more? I read blogs about men and womens lack of ability the to emote or commit. Let’s just leave that there. Then there are the super intellectual/spirital/other worldly blogs, where pseudo personalities pretend to be an authority on things, they’ve only read about on the internet. Which of course makes them experts!

And I am to somehow add my voice to this cyst pool? How? What will I say? How will I hook my reader? What do they want to hear?

It’s all Greek to me!

•June 4, 2011 • 1 Comment

I woke up this morning with remnants of a blog I read yesterday on my mind. I found the subject all to familiar and like the blogs author I too am constantly amazed at how difficult it is to deal with relationship stuff. I’ve had my experiences and have been a party to many of my friends adventures as well. The differences are staggering. There seems to be no real way to deal with “relationship communications”. Should there be? I mean, what would happen to make up sex? Or fight sex or break up sex? Come on people, do we really need to solve the battle of the sexes? Trust me! I am the queen of miscommunication, but it’s not just with men…women too! Do you know how many times, I’ve lost a so-called friend or upset a friend or family member, because one of us got Lost in Translation (great movie by the way)?

Look, I said this in my last blog (if you’re surprised, it’s cause you didn’t read it! 😉 ) no two people think exactly alike, we don’t all take the same logical leaps. Now, in all honesty I am newly accepting of this truth- but nevertheless it has always been true. We as human beings are varied and beautiful,diversity is our thing! Talking is our thing! We talk and when we don’t, well that’s when things get ‘tricksy'(remember that word). It doesn’t matter if it’s man to woman, woman to woman, man to man- we have to talk. I am talking to you now. No you can’t hear my voice but I’m sure you hear what I’m saying. You can hear it in the structure of my sentence or in my use or lack thereof punctuation. You hear my ‘voice’ if you will (BTW you can hear me in text too! ;))
Words…they are our communication tool, be they spoken or written, we hang on them or from them; take your pick, but they are our life line. They are Important.

Okay here is where the word tricksy comes in-(you’re gonna love this)

Things get tricksy when you add things like…love or sex OR the possibility of love or sex. See tricksy! These two things are always what we intellectuals or pseudo-intellectuals like to call subjective. It just means, it’s personal (how you feel, what you think). What YOU want. Here again is where the logical leap thing and the not thinking alike come into play. In any given relationship be it familial, platonic or sexual, there are wants, needs, desires. Nobody comes empty-handed and if any man or woman thinks, the other person is the one with all the issues…The Mirror Has Two Faces (also a great movie). Men say women heap all theses expectations on them and women say the same and we are both right. We all do- But STOP LYING to yourselves- You are looking for something or someone. You do want to share. So deal with it!

No on is going to just give you what you want, you’re going to have to ask for it. No one is going to say or do the right things ALL the frikkin’ time- No one is ALWAYS a good listener- No one is without issues, and no issues no subjects (<—subject…subjective…haha Yes I did that! ;)) No one is perfect! Surprise!

So- 559 and counting words later…what's my point? You assume I have one? No, Seriously- The point is we have to talk to each other, we have to listen to each other (shut up Sissy!), that's what communication is, it's how we survive. Talk to one another, it's the only way to come close to knowing what the other person is thinking. WARNING! This will NOT be easy, but I personally believe (a little subjectivity for you) it's worth it.

But what do I know…

Thanks for your time-

A failure to communicate?

•May 27, 2011 • 1 Comment

Recently…

Someone I’ve known for quite some time said ( and I quote) “you know what i like about you?…you live in the moment.”
This was after I’d shared what could have been perceived as an intimate thought of feeling, with and about this particular someone. I laughed it off at that moment. I didn’t really think I was offended or hurt, but it just didn’t sit right in my spirit-man. A few days had passed and it never left my thoughts (which is my way). Then it started to bother me. Then it started to bother me, that it bothered me. So I sat down and really thought about it.
Do I live in the moment? What does that mean? I mean when I think of living in the moment, I think of someone who doesn’t have any responsibilities or someone who shirks their responsibilities. Well, I then became offended. How could someone who has known me for any length of time, think I was flighty? See because to me that’s what “in the moment” means. Not thinking beyond what’s in front of you. Doing whatever you like and screw the consequences. I was offended. Why? Because that is my great inability; to think only of that moment and not of its possibilities, good or bad. To think only of what’s in front of me, to let go and not be concerned with what “could” be. I want to be an “in the moment” person, but I am not.
VOILA! offended.
I wanted to call this someone and tell them to “take it back! I am not flighty!”. But, that’s not what was said.The word flighty was neither used nor implied (at least I don’t think it was implied, at least I hope it wasn’t). I’d taken what was said and applied my own meaning to it. Made a mountain out of a mole hill ( this too is my way).

So after all my thinking and pondering and worrying and just plain making shit up, I’ve decided to not be offended, to just stop. If I ever want to this someone to get to know me, I’ve got to stop assigning my personal meanings and thoughts to their every word. I am learning that we (we being humans) don’t all think alike. We don’t all take the same “logical leaps”. This is not a man/woman thing, it’s a human thing. Sure men and women have certain gender specific reactions to any given situation, but it’s all subjective. What I’m saying is no two people think exactly the same. When I heard the words, “in the moment” I immediately thought, ” flighty, carefree…careless”. I did not consider that “in the moment” could have meant “present and accounted for”…see?

Now, I have no idea what was truly meant by the someone in question, and I am relatively sure they have no idea I was bothered by that particular statement ( they are now 😉 ) I just know I did not want to go into a conversation with my offended self or my hurt feelings. I don’t want that. I want this someone to get to know me and learn who I am, just as much as I want to learn more about them. I am interested in that, very much.

Thanks for your time-

There’s some good news and there’s some bad news

•February 1, 2011 • 1 Comment

I was sitting in the living room watching “Danny Phantom”
(season 3) with my youngest son. (Well in all honesty I watched the
last episode with him.) Anywho- If you don’t know the story or
cartoon as it were, here goes. Danny Phantom is the son of a less
than successful ghost hunter/scientist. In a freak accident he
gains “powers”, he becomes half ghost and phantom i.e…. thus he
can fight ghosts and phantoms. Cute show.

So, this particular episode was the finale the ending to the series,
where Danny gave up his powers, because he felt they put his friends and family in
jeopardy. Now, Danny’s father’s best friend(keep following me) was
affected by the same type of accident as Danny, but unlike Danny, he
chose to use his powers for not so good. A lot of the episodes are
ones where Danny tries to show ‘whatshisname’ the beauty of both
worlds (ghost/human) and how they can share power and save the
world. But alas, he aint buying it. Well after episodes of trying to destroy the world,
‘whatshisname’ finally gets the destroy the world thingy right- and
there’s Danny with all the intent and no powers; and its up to his
friends to help him save himself and the world. Something he
previously thought he had been doing alone. And somewhere along the
way Danny realizes that even without his powers, he knew what to
do. It was never the powers that made him powerful, it was him. He
was born with it. And for the first time in his life he knew who he
was. I said all of that to say-

I was born to be Consuela. All this time I thought my family and friends made me who I am. I thought it was my job to protect and shield them from my “powers”. I’ve surrounded myself with people and persons that I thought needed me…ump…anything to keep me from actually standing on my own.

I suppose that the reason this episode rang such a bell with me, is because even after Danny gets his powers back and set a plan in motion to save the world…nothings changed. Not his friends, not his family, not even his enemies…it’s just him. He became self-aware, he accepted his powers and his short comings, he became whole. That’s it.

I’ve never done that. Accepted myself. I know the things that have happened to me, but I was never able to see me wholly without seeing them first. A woman who shall remain nameless, said that if i could just see what God sees, when he looks at me, I would be alright. I know I will never have the eyes of God, but I’m looking. I see me and I know that there will be those that won’t see it and I no longer care.

To quote Danny Phantom, ” There’s some good news and there’s some bad news! Good news is I got my powers back! Bad news is…I GOT MY POWERS BACK!”

I have been given the gift of words, I love them. And I promise to use them. I want to give to the world what God as given to me. I was born with it and only God can take it away.

What’s past is prologue

•January 23, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I don’t blame him for leaving/I blame him for not staying.
He says that he was a coward…wish I’d thought of that. I don’t
hate him, I’m not really angry, I’m more disappointed. I suppose
that I understand that this not about me. No matter how much it
hurts to watch the life I’ve lived and worked for these past 14yrs,
just dissolve. I want to be the angry, hurt, soon-to-be ex-wife,
but I can’t. I want to hate him, to hurt him, to give him
unspeakable hell but I can’t because I love him. He is the father
of my children and he is my friend. I hate what he’s done to me and
us. I expected more from the man I loved, who I thought loved me.
But that’s the problem with expectations. They’re often lofty and
hard to fulfill. I was so misguided and at times just plain wrong.
I must now move on, something he seems to be able to do without any
hesitation or reservation. Probably because he was gone long before
he left. I think I even told him this was his fault, he believes it
is his fault, but it’s not. Not really. WE were married to each
other, so WE are at fault, both of us. I said all I ever expected
was love and understanding, but what I really wanted was a band aid
for all my insecurities and short comings. A fix for my broken
childhood. I wanted him to make me happy. But that was never his
job; to make me happy. All he was supposed to do WAS love me and
giving me understanding, but he couldn’t. Not because he didn’t
want to, but because he did know how. We both needed to learn how
to love and understand ourselves, before we could ask it of anyone
else. That’s where we fell apart. Two people who did not know
themselves, got together and decided to live in a fantasy world,
where only their love, their wants and their desire exists. It was
us against the world, if you weren’t for us you were against us. We
would be together no matter what, but mostly because so many
believed we wouldn’t. We did love each other, and I think we were
both in love with that idea. And in the middle of doing our
prospective jobs in this world we created, we lost ourselves. We
lost the people we were meant to be, outside of the “us”, their was
no us. We had begun to define ourselves by our designations within
the marriage. He was the husband, and I was the wife, I was the
mother he was the father and that was that. We were never a couple.
We were never two people hell bent on getting to know each other,
we were never together and at the same time interested in helping
the other person be the best “me”. We were just in love and that’s
all it took to make it work… just love and the sheer presence of
will to be on the side of right. There were no individuals. We had
assimilated ourselves into this functioning marriage which from the
outside looking in was a thing of perfection to be admired. So- I’m
not mad at him or too angry about him leaving…he had to go. I am
just disappointed that this is were we are now. So much love and
potential, only to end here. I suppose I am in mourning and will be
for some time. I wish he would have stayed and fought it out. I
wish “we” would have won, the “us” from 14yrs ago…that scrub boy
and his pretty girl. But I’ve never really been a romance novel
kinda girl, so in my heart of heart I guess I’ve always known,
that’s not how our story would go. Who knows maybe…”we” will find
each other in a whole place, where we don’t need to be and we just
are…and it will be okay.