Memory

 

with closed lips and

welcome hips

i invite you

open

with out words

no judgment

waiting for you

to touch me

in my memory’s place

close to my love for you

but far away from my hearts truth

with closed lips and

welcome hips

i invite you

to be yourself

effortlessly

not to close to my needs

but near enough to feel

you breathe

on the back of my knee

slow kisses make memories

shiver up my back and roll

my eyes

mouth open to catch my breath

with closed hips and

welcome lips

i invite you

to be as we should be

familiar

like a memory

on my palate

or your scent inhaled

with closed eyes and

wanting skin

with closed hips and

welcome lips

i invite you

to be close to me

intimately

my memory.

Don’t let the Dark side use you: A nerd girl opinion piece.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens on December 18, 2015. << Can’t point that out too many times.

In the meantime the movie is garnering some potentially unwanted attention from the hashtag #BoyscottStarWarsVII. This hashtag was created by a group of pitiful internet trolls who see the film as racist…against whites.

“Racist!?” you say, “How can that be?”

Well here’s how:

1. A Black male lead: Not only is he formerly of the dark side, he’s on the dark side.

2. A female lead: Well, she’s a she and a woman and well a chick. She can’t even make decisions about her own body! Let alone save a galaxy far, far away.

I am certain that in this ‘fictitious’ galaxy far, far away Yoda is rolling on the floor (of the Jedi council room) laughing his ass off.

There have been plenty, well let’s not say plenty, but there have been successful action films and franchises that were helmed by black men and by white women. But the genre itself is now and always has been, “white-boy gold”. I won’t defend that statement, because Hollywood’s history speaks for itself. Although it should be mentioned that the voice of James Earl Jones is the ONLY blackness found in the first film besides the space they flew in.

The traction this “boycott” is getting is ridiculous and laugh out loud racist. I mean, it’s funny but not haha funny more like laugh instead of crying funny. It seems since the election of the 44th POTUS, some of our melanin challenged brethren have become undone. This is surely the sign of the Apocalypse!! A black man trying to save ‘a galaxy far far away’?! “Where’s Buffy? or Wonder Woman? No wait, those are females….that won’t work.

The other lead in the film is a white female, I can not fathom what the reaction would be if she was black as well. An extinction level event is what it would be! A black man and a white woman, what’s the galaxy coming to? How could George Lucas let J.J. Abrams and Disney defile the good white name of his fictitious galaxy far far away!!?? How could he? It must be that black wife of his and that pesky little kid they had too!

I can’t take this seriously, I just can’t. The idea that a science FICTION film is being label as anti white or a platform for white-geniocide is funny. WHITE-GENIOCIDE? Come on! Is the white male ego so fragile?

Sci-Fi and Fantasy has always been a place where all things are possible, or at least they should be. X-Men was created by Stan Lee to mirror the struggle of the civil rights movement, to show diversity, and to put a microscope to bigotry. Most writers write what they know, what they see in their environments and what they want/hope/dream to see in their futures.

It is sad, that now not even in our fiction are we free. It’s sad that we are given no quarter, to be. Not in our neighborhoods walking from the store, or at our friends pool parties, or even in a simple act of kindness like opening the door for a mother with a stroller at the bank. No freedom to be strong, no freedom to be independent, and no freedom to make decisions that alter the course of our world, because you can’t be a hero with a vagina.

It is the fear of skin and physiology which have caused these internet trolls to surface, two things which are beyond the control of any human in this galaxy right right here. They fear the loss of control over the collective, the hive mind is becoming less and less cohesive.

It brings to my mind an episode of Star Trek: Voyager in which Tuvok suggest to B’Elanna that a piece of Klingon metal she is obsessing over is an “unwelcome reminder of self-loathing”. It would seem black men and women in general are that piece of metal for these white men (trolls).

I don’t have any words of wisdom myself to offer to these mercenary nitwits, so I’ll give them the words of a very sage and wise master.

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Angers leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”   –Jedi Grand Master Yoda

Until next time-

May the force be with you.

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One Day

One day,

he will find me and he will love me.

He won’t care about what my uncle did to me

Or how many times I was taken.

He won’t care about what I did before my daughter was born

Or how the warrior in me resigned the day my wildflower died.

He will love my Boyz.

He will love me.

He will believe me to be beautiful

He will worship me, because I am worth it

It will be the only language we speak,

praise and worship.

He will catch me when I trip and fall,

he will hear me,

he will love me.

I will be his kind of perfect.

He will be the hand placed firmly on my back,

the palm in my palm,

the arms around me waist.

He will see me and want to see more of me.

He won’t be afraid of my darkness he will embrace it,

because without it, he couldn’t share in my light.

He won’t waste any time trying to figure out wether I’m enough,

he will dive into me because he won’t risk losing me.

He’ll be smart about me, he’ll think about me.

He will consider me.

One day,

he will find me…and he will love me.

Because I love me

The Beauty of Lost and Found

What once was lost can never truly be found

Nothing, like it used to be

what is old made new again.

We used to be friends, and honest

with each other.

Lovers, walking the tightrope,

love…lust.

Found in the beauty of memory-

Nothing Concrete-

Like cookies stolen from the cookie jar,

when no ones looking.

But I see you…Beautifully lost.

And I am, Me, found in you.

Yet, you can’t see me,

Beautiful as I try-

having been lost once, loving you.

So far gone, found only in distance and pain.

Your name can be found in the intricate weavings of my heart strings

so small and in so many places-

But there is enough space for you

the beauty in what was once lost,

and now found.

My Reason

 

You are what ends me and begins me.

You are my permanent north and my deep south.

My rising east and my setting west.

You are why I love.

A Nerd Girl Talks Divorce

What was divorced like…?

Imagine lying in your bed one day and waking up to the sound of the T.A.R.D.I.S. You don’t believe it so you go back to sleep, because it can’t be the T.A.R.D.I.S because the T.A.R.D.I.S. isn’t real. So you close your eyes and go back to sleep. You dream about the T.A.R.D.I.S. because it’s the thing that dreams are made of.

You wake up, shower and get dressed. You walk outside and there it is, and he is standing next to it … old and new borrowed and blue…beaconing you across the threshold, you have to say, “Yes, I do, I want to be your companion, I want to see and save world with you” and with that you’re off, on your adventures in space and time. You leave your family and friends, of course you visit from time to time and holidays (especially Christmas). You leave the hopes and dreams you had “preT.A.R.D.I.S.” because, well you’re IN the T.A.R.D.I.S. now. So you dive in heart first…

Together you see the world and universe with new eyes, you are no longer the girl you used to be, you’re with Him and you’re in the T.A.R.D.I.S.…you discover new worlds together, conquer evils, slay Daleks and Cybermen… and before you know it, you’ve created new timelines, three and a half to be exact. The half, the first, that timeline was so beautiful, so perfect, it could not be contained… it imploded on itself, so you time locked it…knowing you can never go back, she will never come back to you…you will never see her again…maybe, but only in the end. You’re careful now, you know how to preserve a timeline and you take special care of the three you have, you tend to them while he continues to save the world and you understand, because YOU are his companion and more, and HE is your Doctor. You forgive him his new companions, he’s saving the world and the universe…but he NEEDS YOU, because saving the world is hard job and he should have someone to call home. So you take in the heart of the T.A.R.D.I.S.…because you are the Doctor’s wife, and you are happy.

One day he returns from saving the world, but something not quite right; your Doctor is not happy.

He speaks of drums. Drums you can’t hear. He talks about them, even in his sleep. You see his hands drumming when he thinks you aren’t looking. He thinks only of the sound of these drums and their freedom, and you don’t recognize him…he’s changed. And suddenly your timelines begin to change, not completely…but the smallest changes have the biggest effects. He isn’t the Doctor, not your Doctor, he can’t be…you can’t feel him anymore, your words, your love, your adventures, your timelines…they mean nothing to him.

Somehow, during your travels…you lost him. His hearts changed, he no longer wants to help and create, he can no longer see the point. He looked into the time vertex and saw the relentlessness with which you have to defend the things you love and the universe and could not see a why anymore. Why does he have to save the world? Or maybe, Why is he always the one saving the world? Because saving is hard work and sometimes it’s lonely work…he forgot about the love, and how easy it was when he used to save the world with you by his side. Now …he wants to master the universe, because being its Master, controlling it, it’s easier. He doesn’t have to do any heavy lifting, so Now, he calls himself the Master. The Master doesn’t have to deal with feelings or being unsure, as the master he doesn’t have be human or understand it…it’s all about him and his fear and he alone is the master of his universe.

Maybe he was the Master all along and he stole the T.A.R.D.I.S.…making all your time, your timelines, your life, your love…invalid…

Maybe, I was never married to the Doctor and he was the Master in disguise all along.

That’s what divorce was like.

P.S.

Making love to you was like dying

feeling the warmth of your light  pouring  over  me

only to be pulled back to the cruel reality

my love for you has always been one sided

You never loved me

you never will love me

you’ve never known me

and you will never understand the complex beauty of  who  I  am

the truth is  you  deserve  me

deep down in your honest places

where not even you want go-

you know you deserve to be loved

the way I could have loved you

But you‘re too much of a man to know what’s good for you-

So you’ll wait and when the time is right and you’re… ready

you’ll  be  too  late

Because I will have grown past my chance to love you

and what’s worse …

I won’t remember  why  I  ever  tried.

Hello Again by: Consuela Axel

Fancy meeting you here

in the middle of my heartbreak

amongst my insecurities

next to my need to be loved

and appreciated

So close to my desire to be

made to feel beautiful and worth it

I can taste your lips already

I’d like to say I’m glad to see you,

but the truth is-

I’m surprised

It was you that introduced me

to this place, gave me the grand tour

left me here without any identification

and no way to call home

So imagine my shock

Seeing you here

not dropping anyone off this time?

Are you here to pick up the pieces?

Pointing out the obvious…

It’s like the universe had to point a few things out to me.

1. You should take along hard look at the people that say they’re your friend.

2. When a person says they love you and they want the best for you, they mean it.

*Except, when it is in direct conflict with what they feel is best for them*(yea, I said it)

3. Your idea of love and sacrifice, is not theirs.

*NO Expections*

4.*Lauryn quote* “Even after all my logic and my theory, I add a muthafucka so all you ignorant niggas hear me”
-TRANSLATION: nobody wants to listen until I start cussing muthas out!

All I want is to be happy. I know that sounds simple, but as most of you know, it’s not and no amount of wishing and hoping will make it so. I’m doing my best to adhere to the changes in my life. Excepting those in my life as family and true friends, loving them. Forgiving all percieved grievences and moving the fuck on. You hurt me..Forgiven. You lied to/ on me…Forgiven. You cheated on me…Forgiven. You hate me..Forgiven. Too immature to understand love and sacrific…Forgiven; no ones’ perfect. WELL NOT SO MUCH! I am beside myself with the giving and hoping to recieve- DONE! If you think you have something I want other than what I asked for…check yourself. If I said I want to be friends, that’s what I want. Just because you don’t recognize my brand of balls to the wall love and honest with friends and it seems like I’m trying to get close to you…WATCH OUT I AM!!!! go figure! a person that is your friend trying to share and be shared with…what novel idea… I must patten it. I’m sure it’s original. I mean I must be the first person to ever try this or maybe I’m the first person to ever try it with you? Maybe that’s it…look around…do see anyone else being unconditional with you, not judging, open and caring..? Go ahead, i’ll wait.

No? I’m completely surprised!  You seem like such a sincere and welcoming person… hmph, go figure?

blahblahblahblog

The problem with being a writer and trying to blog is…details. I feel like if i just start typing and don’t give back story, i’m robbing the reader. But i’ve been doing some research and i’ve discovered that blog readers don’t need back story or engaging conversational dialog; they just want the point. Instant gratifacation.

Well i’m not sure i will be any good at that. My friends suggest that I blog and i’ve tried. This being the third blog site i’ve set up and maybe my 6th or 7th actual posted blog. I suppose if I was more into ME, I would be better at it or if I believed that someone was actually reading this and gaining any type of pleasure or insight from, i would do better.

I read a blog a few months ago, in which a 20 something girl dispensed her age old wisdom on cheating. Need I say more? I read blogs about men and womens lack of ability the to emote or commit. Let’s just leave that there. Then there are the super intellectual/spirital/other worldly blogs, where pseudo personalities pretend to be an authority on things, they’ve only read about on the internet. Which of course makes them experts!

And I am to somehow add my voice to this cyst pool? How? What will I say? How will I hook my reader? What do they want to hear?